Monday, November 28, 2011

It's That Time Again...

I'm a Christmas Tree snob. I'm talking, will not, could not ever, ever, ever have an artificial tree. Hate artificial trees, love the smell of the real ones and artificial trees feel like a fake Christmas out of Frontgate.
 I mean, look at them. They are so happy and full of Christmas cheer. I might be able to hang out by the fire with my husband packing up organized bins of ornaments if I had an artificial tree that zipped into a pouch.

I realized that happy marriages involve two things. The first one, I won't name and the second involves making it through the holidays. Right around December 1st (every year) my marriage begins to crumble.  Nothing spells D-I-V-O-R-C-E like DECORATING A TREE. Here's how it all began...

First Christmas: We drink hot chocolate, put on Christmas music and set out to decorate our first tree. It is small, probably fit for about 500 lights, I insist on 5000. We plug in the tree and hold hands (we are newlyweds) and the center of the tree blacks out. I add something "festive" to my hot chocolate and we start over.
Second Christmas: Much like the first, but we use electrical precautions, hold hands, plug in tree. It is amazing. Enough lights to power a small country. Then, cute little Christmas gift (puppy with red jingle collar) runs around corner, gets tangled  in extension cord, pulls entire tree over, crashing bulbs, ornaments and spirits.

Third Christmas.... let's just say it gets worse from there and hot chocolate is no longer the drink of choice.
By the 9th Christmas... in the words of Justin Bieber: never say never.

We bought a pre-lit 15' tree. I was going to be like the well pressed girl in Frontgate ad. We bought it on Craigslist and I think it is safe to say that my snobbery disappeared due to sheer frustration and budgetary restraints. It comes in 4 simple (very large parts) and will save my marriage.
Seriously??? Ok, so maybe I was wrong. All I want for Christmas is a decorated tree and a handy husband.
Please, while I am London, could someone assemble and decorate my tree? This is directed at my hubby, but he doesn't read our blog and thinks the only person who does is Ann. So... Graham, if you are reading this, please tell Daddy or Santa or Elf on a Shelf that mommy would like a stress free tree this holiday season. It must LOOK real. Something like this would do just fine....
Simple and elegant. I love it. 
A little more rustic, but still elegant. 
I can even go for whimsy. May have to paint walls pink. I'm game. 
If you feel so inclined, put one out by the pool. Oh yeah, we don't have a pool. Perhaps another good thing to install while I'm out of town?
What do you prefer? Real or fake? Do you and your family enjoy a Norman Rockwell trim the tree evening OR is it a pull each other's hair out, knock down, drag out, ornaments flying, fuse blowing event? 
Do tell... and feel free to swing by and decorate my tree.
Bye bye birdie...

credit to: Coastal Living, Frontgate, Better Homes and Gardens


B.Lindsey said...

This is a yearly fight at my family's house as well! Real or fake? The Lindsey kids-my brother and I-neither married, still win this battle and get a real tree every year, much to my Dad's dismay. My brother is even allergic to what real trees put off, but we agrees to sleep on the other end of the house during the season. We just postpone our tree decorating until the 23rd.

Heather @Sawgrass Candles said...

In honor of Hooper & others who choose to "go fake", I'd like to offer a Christmas Memories candle giveaway...let me know if y'all are interested!

René S said...

Oh Hooper, you have NO idea how much this resonates with me! After years of fighting lights on a real tree and INSISTING on them, our marriage, time and just the convenience of the pre-lit tree won out! Ann Bennett chose this moment to have a hormonal melt down. Who cares if she's not yet 10? Her irrational reaction can only be blamed on hormones. She refused to decorate it. A couple of my favorite quotes: "Our house is going to smell like plastic, not Christmas" and "You know why they call them artificial? No one would buy them if they called them fake, but they are FAKE TREES!" All of these must be heard with tears and a not so respectful tone. But, I have my 7 1/2 foot tree with 1000 lights up, decorated and glowing in the LR. It even looks real, if I must say so myself. And, it only took about 10 minutes. Good luck, and know you are not alone!

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